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Sunday, 21 June 2009

where is home?

Every so often it all seems so clear and easy. I'm a child of God and my home is in eternity with Father God. Simple enough right?

Most times thats not the case. I find myself looking for a home in all sorts of temporary things, relationships, hobbies, work, ideas, and even spiritual experiences.

Its confusing, scary, and lonely living between two worlds. Between the present and being called into living a eternal life, and the huge gap between the two types of living.

I have two worlds inside me constantly battling and I experience the joys and the sorrows of both. Though I would gladly give up most, just for peace between the two. To be really honest at times I could not careless which side wins, I just want it to be done. Yet I know I do not grow in peace. I grow in the overcoming of one foe at a time.

I suppose most of this is my doing after all. I have been praying that Father God would move me forward though somethings in my life. Be careful what you pray for.

My experience with life so far. Its hard. Get use to it. In fact welcome the difficulties and face the fears. Pain, sorrow, fear, loneliness, brokenness, confusion is all going to be experienced. At least if you move towards it and receive it, you can face it on your terms. And in the end have something to show for all the battles you've won instead of standing in one place and taking hit after hit.

Home is surely not behind me, nor is it here tonight in this place. By faith, I say, home is somewhere up ahead.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

"for my power is made perfect in weakness"

Lately I have been desiring to know God's grace more. Mostly because it seems like a fairy tale sort of idea, like a still "to good to be true" idea, rather than a real thing in my relationship with God and the way I deal with others.
Not niceties, but true grace. Giving grace when it hurts and when it costs something.
I'm finding there is a huge gap, between the grace I live in and the way I understand it and the grace Jesus showed with His life or the way He spoke of knowing Father God.
Here we are as humans in all our lying, deceiving, conjuring, lusting, rebellious states, (just to name a few), yet God calls us His children and He calls us citizens in an eternal Kingdom where love, peace, joy, purity, and selflessness rule.
Clearly we live in two worlds, for we are not perfect in love nor are we completely separated from love.
I find myself finding grace in an interesting position in life. By embracing my duality as a human. I am finding grace in being ok with being fully human and fully spirit, living between two worlds. I have spent most of my life trying to be a Christian and pushing away my humanity. (Maybe because its seems so synonymous that if you lead a "good life", "do good things", "suppress passions" your a Christian) Yet if you follow that thinking you have missed it all together.
I'm finding grace when I embrace all of who I am, specifically embracing the parts and memories of me I'd rather forget.
How quickly we belittle God's grace, as if He gives it like we think. As if God is human like us. Forgive us God, for not seeing the dark places your grace has rescued us from. Forgive us for thinking we were better than someone else, while not recognizing it was only because of your grace and your purposes we did not fall prey to the same struggles.